Where Dreams Come to Die

Some Kind of Gay

2009-07-15T20:23:00.012-08:00

So Sierra gave Valerie and myself the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful" amongst quite a few other movies to watch at our house. Once we watched every other single one we resorted to this wonderful 80's flick. If you never have seen this gem don't waste your time and money renting it, enjoy my paraphrase instead.

http://docs.google.com/File?id=ddhzxfh6_13cvm5v8gq_b

This link will let you view or download it from my google docs.

Enjoy!

Harass your shipping guy. It's fun.

2009-05-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

From: Chano Williams Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 8:49 AMTo: AccupointIncSubject: Noon Goldstreak Run Heads Up

Hello,

I wanted to give everyone heads up that I am expecting a UPS Next Day Air package to arrive by noon today. I have to ship a cable to Javan in Juneau via Goldstreak by 12:30; otherwise he won’t get it in time. Please do not use the Astro any time between 11:15 to 12:00 if it can be helped. Also, I won’t be able to take any special task requests until my return. Hopefully our UPS driver will arrive earlier than 12 (he usually does). If you need help with anything between now and then, let me know.

Thank you for your help in this important matter.

Chano P. S. Williams
Accupoint Inc. Shipping & Receiving Department
(907) 522-1600 ext. 605
7125 Old Seward Highway, Suite 100
Anchorage, Alaska 99518

------------------------------------------------------------

Chanooo, yeah I didn’t get a chance to read that LONNGGGGg email down there but find it easier to reply to a message than start a new one. ANyhooos, I will be taking lunch from around 11:14 – 12:01 and wanted to make sure you could cover the front store for me. I will totally buy you a soda or something. Can I also borrow the keys to the astro van? I forgot my copy at home and need me some wheels to get my grub on. Thanks Bro! you’re the best!

(PS for your soda, it will probably be warm when I get it back here so it probably wont taste all the great with the melted ice. Just FYI)

Joshua Swanson
Accupoint Inc
(907) 522-1600

Work is Boring

2009-05-09T12:41:00.002-08:00

Working retail has repetitive moments and for the most part I have gotten used to it. Some times to make the time pass or to amuse myself I make little games. For instance if a customer is buying something for a vacation I will say on their way out the door “Thank you, have a great trip!” and with out fail they respond every time out of compulsion, “Thanks you too!” It’s at that point they realize how stupid they sound as they just told me to have a good trip as well. I discovered this at the movie theater with the kid who sells me popcorn. He would say, “thank you sir, enjoy your movie!” and almost every time I would say “You Too!” but he wasn’t actually going to enjoy the movie with me, he was going to continue selling buttery popcorn that in the long run would only contribute to his acne.

Holy Updates Batman

2009-01-26T09:31:00.002-09:00

I know, I know... I haven't written anything on here in quite a while.. well there is a good reason why. I've even made a list!!

My work has stolen all motivation from me
I've been drunk (see #1)
Got married and didnt have time
A witch doctor put a voodoo curse on my typing fingers from that time in Nam when I stole from their villages
I'm lazy
Uhhhh... uhhhhh I broke my pointer finger thats used in clicking the mouse
I've forgotten how to read and write

Thats about all I got. I'll try to get around here more often to add some funny ever so often. As for today, I am going to try my hardest to get the least amount of work done... OHH LOOK HOW MANY STATES I'VE BEEN TO!!!!

Promotions & Premonitions

2007-08-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks back my manager told me he hired someone else for my job. There was a split second of “jaw dropping” since it sounded like I was being laid off. But luckily he finished by saying, “and we are moving you to front sales”.

It technically was a promotion since I was in shipping & receiving before that. And since its just me doing sales in the front of the store I’m technically in charge :) Everyone who works for Accupoint usually starts in the lower jobs and moves up. I’m shooting for one of the “Jim’s” jobs, preferably Steingle since hes the money bags and doesn’t have to work. Plus I would have a reason to grow a killer mustache.

So I’ve spent the past couple weeks training my replacement and being trained for my job. Which is basically just studying the pamphlets they have on all of the GPS for recreational purposes. So from here I can hone my skills as a sales man. For what reason you ask? I don’t get commission true, but theres a very satisfying feeling selling an old person a $1,000 dollar unit they will never use.

Funny yet True

2007-08-05T00:17:00.001-08:00

Superhero Tests Don't Lie

2007-06-03T01:07:00.001-08:00

The Superhero Quiz

My Inner Voice is a Jackass

2007-05-22T19:10:00.001-08:00

At work there are two restrooms, both unisex. Neither one is really better than the other so it doesn't matter to me which one I use. But its always a gamble. There are a few people who always tear it up in there. Every time I walk into one that has been recently destroyed I hear the voice of the old knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and he says to me, "You Chose Poorly."

I Was Determined

2007-05-17T22:47:00.001-08:00

So yeah, I haven't updated this blog with any real substance in quite a while. I'm going to try to stop ripping off pictures and songs and put my own crap on here. I really want to start drawing again. I will probably post a few sketches I plan on making soon. I like the idea of the picture I posted above too. If I get a chance I wanna try one myself. Anyhoos... i'm going to go to sleep
now

Boredom inspired poems are the best

2007-03-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

I have this friend Jim
Who is feared by most men

He's ruthless, mean, & bold
Murderous, heartless & cold

People run when in his sight
Filled with panic, fear & fright

Why does he instill this fear of God?
Because at noon every day, Jim kills a dog.

How to identify a superhero in disguise:

2007-02-20T13:42:00.000-09:00

What if superheroes did exist? If they tried to live everyday “normal” lives during the day, they would sadly stick out like a soar thumb. Here are a few ways to find out if someone you know is a Superhero:

1. Missing buttons on their shirts.
2. Horrible hat hair when you have never seen them wear one before.
3. They have biceps larger than your thighs.
4. They usually take their “lunch” in the janitor’s closet or coatroom.
5. Unusual tan lines on their face, usually around their eyes or mouth and chin.
6. When chatting around the water cooler about the weekend they say they just stayed in despite new mysterious scars and/or burns.
7. If they never shut up about great power coming with great responsibility.
8. You are often referred to as a puny human or mortal.
9. Uses puns in a suspicious or obvious way. Ex: “I’ll just …fly by there real quick after work.” Or, “I guess you can say I could… see right through him.” Or “Did I hear about the airplane that almost crashed this morning? Yeah I guess you could say I… Caught that.”
10. They can tell you where any phone booth is in a five-mile radius of your work.
11. Some times comes to work nursing a bullet wound stating he just cut himself shaving.
12. Insists that it’s not a “utility belt” but rather a new age fanny pack.

Fat Man and a Little Bloke

2007-02-15T23:44:00.000-09:00

I often find myself with the nagging feeling that I am being followed. I'm a bit paranoid in that way, but yesterday it paid off. It was a nice day out and I walked to work giving my car a break. On the way home there were quite a few people who had the same idea, so I didn't find it unusual for people to be walking all around me. It was a busy city after all. Once I started getting farther away from all the traffic there were fewer people walking around. That's when I got that feeling---the burning in the back of my neck. I didn't want to seem too obvious so I glanced to my side pretending to stare at a deli across the street, and saw in my peripheral someone about 25 feet behind me. Probably nothing, I thought, once I got to Stark Street he would probably go his own separate way since I usually take a trail that no one uses. A block or so before I reached the turnoff I could hear his footsteps behind me. He walked with a shuffle and was breathing in a way that showed he was not used to keeping up to my pace, which made me wonder; why was he trying to keep up with me? I checked to see if I dropped my wallet or keys perhaps, but everything was there. Besides if he had needed something from me he could have said something since I was within earshot of him for the past five blocks or so.
This kind of creeped me out so I looked at my watch, made a shocked gesture like I was late for something, and went into a sprint. If his breathing pattern said anything about his heart, he would go into cardiac arrest before he caught up to me. I made it to the trail and ran about half of it; just to make sure there was no way he could catch up. I chuckled at my cowardice, and began to walk the rest of the way home. I didn't want to get my nice work shirt sweaty after all. Less than a minute later I heard something that I've only read about. From the snorting and loud crashing over the dried leaves behind me, it could only be a bear in full charge…right? Oh no … It was my mysterious stalker in full gallop. I never have seen something like it before; he had rolls of fat flailing madly from his arms, legs, stomach and chins… that's right, there was more than one chin. I stood there in sheer panic unable to move and then noticed who it was. It was Ted from work.
A quick back story on Ted; he has been working in my office for little over a month. No one knows much about him, he doesn't ever say much but apparently is a whiz in all sorts of computer fields. There were also rumors of him being an ex-con. But the rumors varied between him spending 5 years in prison for either tax fraud or some "incident" at sea world.
So now back to the matters at hand. He was rounding the corner and, catching sight of me, began to slow down. He did so by putting his feet forward trying to stomp his heals into the ground, which caused every last bit of fat on his body to ripple. I felt a slight wave of nausea go through my stomach. I wasn't sure he would be able to stop in time without flattening me, even if Superman came from the sky and tried to stop him like a doomed train. But by some miracle of God he was able to come to a complete halt. He was drenched in sweat and his skin covered in leaves. From the looks of him, he took a few falls while running to catch up. Then it hit me, the gust of wind that followed behind him which was the most rank body odor I could imagine. It smelt like a thousand dead baby raccoons. It started to make my eyes water so I took a step back. He was sucking air up faster than his lips would allow. What ever it was that he wanted to talk to me about would have to wait till his pulse dropped below 300 BPM. I didn't feel like waiting through an awkward silence watching him gasp for air as if he was being choked, so I spoke first:
"What's wrong Ted? You about scared the hell out of me coming at me like that." I waited a bit for a response. Not a word from him. He may have been breathing heavily, but he could have at least attempted to spit out a word or two. He took a step forward placing himself within inches of my face. Still breathing deeply, his warm rank breath blew over my face. Did anything about this man not smell like rotting flesh? I stepped back "Umm Ted?" He followed taking a step forward, still saying nothing. The smell at this proximity was unbearable and couldn't have been healthy. "I really have to get going, unless you needed something…." I said turning slowly, but he continued to stare. I couldn't tell if he was fascinated with me, or picturing me between two pieces of bread. I had enough and started walking away, fast. I could hear him shuffling close behind me. Unsure if he just wanted to get close again, or was going to throw all 300 pounds of himself on me, I took off.
And this is as far as I will continue. The events that followed have traumatized me so severely that I can't even watch Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark without having a flashback during the boulder scene. I lost many things that day that I never will get back; the feeling of security while alone on a trail or street, trust in fellow employees or neighbors, or the ability to walk after my spine was crushed by the combination of gravity and Crisco’s claim to fame.

Babies Named יהושע‎

2007-02-15T13:28:00.000-09:00

This makes perfect sense now. I always wondered why there are no adults named Joshua around. I thought maybe most of them were killed or died young. :)

This chart illustrates how many babies were named Joshua for every one million births in the U.S., by decade.

I Want A Stalker

2007-01-12T16:31:00.000-09:00

At one point in time you may have heard a friend of yours who complained about having someone “Stalking” them. But don’t believe everything you hear. It’s actually quite nice. Everyone loves getting attention one way or another, even if it is coming from an adoring fan parked in his or her ‘92 Chevy Impala across your house.

But you may worry that your "life" is in danger. Well let me ask you something. Do you have a family? are you married? do you have a time consuming hobby? No? Well I would hardly call that living. But don't give in to their mildly amusing and creepy advances. Your best bet is to milk it as long as possible. In the end you will have one of three outcomes.

1. You marry them.
This will always end in disaster. Once they have you they stop trying to impress you. Then you get to know the real them. And seriously, dungeons and dragons isn't as impress as you might think.

2. You get a restraining order.
This will only amplify their efforts actually. To some people a legal document stating: I view you as a danger to me and my family means "I really love you, please intensify your efforts"

3. You die.
After being pushed too far some stalkers will snap. It usually will start with a kidnapping. Then the realization that if they let you go you will go to the police. That will make them get rid of the evidence. You being the evidence.

You may think that its not worth it. But your dead wrong. When you have a loyal and devoted stalker you can get what ever you want. Such as random gifts or half their paycheck. And when you check the mail, whats the first thing you open? Bills or the envelope that faintly smells of musk and cheetos? Sure the letters are just about the things they have watched you do the prior day, but think of it as a creepy guardian angel.... that smells of musk and cheetos.

This Isn't A Clean Fight

2007-01-04T10:35:00.000-09:00

The janitor didn’t take my trash out last night. I normally wouldn’t complain about that, but the fact is that’s the only thing he actually does here. He doesn’t clean the bathrooms, mop, vacuum, dust or any other duties a janitor would normally do. He’s also known for taking naps in the break room and often coming in drunk. So it’s not too surprising. But the day he doesn’t restock toilet paper in the bathrooms anymore is when I am going to find him. And I will wage a holy war on him and his family.

So today as I work, I get the pleasure of the scents from yesterday’s lunch. Tread softly janitor, your family’s lineage is at stake.

Crazy Eights

2007-01-03T20:30:00.000-09:00

Spent all of the night drinking
At the bottom of a bottle sinking
Mind racing, wondering, and thinking
How many more rhymes can I get linking
But my vocabulary was vastly shrinking

888888888888888888888888888888888
88888___88888888888888888___88888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____888888888888888_____8888
8888_____88____888____88_____8888
8888_____8______8______8_____8888
8888_____8______8______8_____8888
8888_____8______8______8_____8888
8888_____8______8______8_____8888
8888_____8____8888888888888888888
8888_____8___88_____________88888
8888_____8__88_______________8888
8888______888_________________888
8888________88_________________88
8888__________88_______________88
8888____________88_____________88
8888_____________88___________888
8888______________8___________888
8888_______________8__________888
8888_______________8_________8888
88888_______________________88888
888888_____________________888888
888888888888888888888888888888888

Heres to you Jeff

2006-12-27T15:58:00.000-09:00

Writing a toast for the Groom is a large responsibility. I drew up a rough draft. Here’s what I have so far.

ding*ding*ding –- May I have everyone’s attention please? Thank you. Wait. No I’m not going to start till that old bag shuts up in the back. No Jeff I don’t care if it is her great aunt, I’ll put her in a great deal of pain if she doesn’t shut it… Thank you. I met Jeff back in 1991 when Laurie introduced us. Him and Chad were making a fort and were quite clear that it was a no Josh’s club. I still remember their harsh words… “NO, You can’t come in!” oh god it still hurts…. (take drink from flask) but Jeff has matured over the years and finally tricked a woman into marrying him. I mean seriously Jeff, if she knew about that time we went to Tiwana and got those… well I guess you could call them hookers but I don’t remember paying… but yeah, we are all here today to wish Jeff and Sarah a happy life with one another. They have years of happiness ahead of them until he accidentally gets her pregnant. Then your life’s are over. So here’s to the groom, the bride, and quality birth control.

Love is in the air.. and it smells like sneakers

2006-12-26T16:36:00.000-09:00

Going to Oregon for the week to Jeff’s wedding. I have a few responsibilities being the best man. I’ve come up with a small list for those wondering what all is entailed in the job.

1. Planning the escape route. It’s my job to ask Jeff if he wants to go to Mexico in case he panics and wants to back out. I have to make sure we have enough supplies i.e. beer, beef jerky, large sombreros, and a mule.

2. Throwing him a small party for his last night as a bachelor. See second half of number one.

3. In case Jeff falls ill, or sustains injury it will be my job to marry Sarah in his place. And I’m not going to lie to you Sarah; I’m a heavy drinker and have been known to hit women. But don’t worry, we will make sure Jeff’s in tip top shape for the wedding.

4. Dating back hundreds of years ago in Scotland, the best man was more like a partner in crime. When a man wanted to take a wife he simply took her. Since this amounted to kidnapping and the young lady's family could be expected to object, the groom need courage and manpower. So I expect there will be quite a rumble with the in-laws.

5. In Uganda a best man is also challenged to guide the newlyweds in ways of marriage. I will teach Jeff the ways of love as the way his mother has taught me.

Those a but just a few things I will do for Jeff’s wedding, and for an extra 10 bucks I’ll even wash his car.

Yellow Snow Cones

2006-12-19T14:42:00.000-09:00

My little sister, as sweet as can be
Doesn’t listen to rules or any decree

She doesn’t know why, the flavors so sweet
But it’s all over, covering the street

Onlookers gasp, onlookers stare
But no one stops her or even cares

My little sister, mentality of three
Eats snow thats covered in pee

Tea, Crackers, & Innuendo

2006-12-15T12:54:00.000-09:00

Why yes Mr. Springfield, I would enjoy a nice cup of hot lead. And please, keep them coming. I don't even notice it after my first cup.

2006-12-07T09:53:00.000-09:00

Dear Mr. Folds,

Concerning your song lyrics in “Still Fighting It” on your Rockin' the Suburbs album Myself and Jeffrey Slone would like to make a suggestion. $9.95 isn’t a good deal for a roast beef combo; in fact we believe you are being ripped off. Enclosed with this letter is a mixed tape we made where we sung over Still Fighting It and changed it to “The roast beef combo's only $4.95”

Not only is $4.95 a pretty good deal for a roast beef combo but also it still rhymes. If you could give our mix tape to your record company and have them redistribute it on your CDs we feel your fan base would have a greater respect for you. We are both humble men and won’t require any royalties for using our voice over your song. We also made a few other changes to some songs that could use improvements, your lyrics were fine we just think we hit a few notes better vocally than you can reach.

Your two biggest fans,
Joshua Swanson
Jeffrey Slone

P.S. If you want us to go on tour with you we can make room in our schedules to come along, don’t worry you could totally still sing backup vocals for us.

2006-11-30T08:55:00.000-09:00

When getting dressed this morning I found myself thinking of something I did when I was a kid. As I put on each piece of clothing I would pretend it was a part of my indestructible armor that was designed to look like clothing. The inner layers like socks, boxers, and under shirt are for comfort and also guard me against any temperature no matter how hot or cold. My pants and sweater are impenetrable to knifes and most small and medium firearms. The same goes with shoes and other accessories I would wear. And last, and most important is my jacket. Its main function is to protect against all heavy fire arms. Mainly Bazookas or Tanks. And it would store all my gadgets that I would need to fight my way to the bus stop. I’m sure most everyone as a kid had to dodge bazooka shots wishing they had some type of protection. All I could do was dream.

The Daily News

2006-11-28T13:55:00.000-09:00

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA – Monday morning a local APD officer found another body of a homeless man. Police Chief Robert Heun has released a statement to the media saying, “We have no leads on the killings. So far we know that the perpetrator targets Hobos, Bums, and most sorts of Riff Raff. He does however have a signature to his murders.” When questioned on the subject Police Chief Heun was brief just stating, “They are beaten to death with actual pan handles from common cook ware.”

The Ironic and slightly amusing style of killings has directed detectives to local comedy clubs. Detective Gribbons said they have a couple suspicious mimes in custody but they aren’t talking.

Governor Sarah Palin is using this to her advantage as the newly appointed Governor. She is incorporating the scandal into her environmental plans on cleaning up Anchorage. “Anchorage is through with these leeches on society, we thank this mysterious killer and hope he keeps up this vital work." Her advisors tell us that crime rates will decline but alcohol sales will go up with the lack of business. “It won’t effect all the brands, Keystone light and Steel Reserve will take most of the hit,” says local liquor store owner Frank Thomas.

People are criticizing Palin’s stand on the matter, not because of her cooperation with the killer but because of her widely acknowledged hatred of Eskimos. When questioned about it Palin’s representatives said she doesn’t view it as a hate crime since no one really loves them.

Local mobs hope to have her hung, or burnt at some type of stake by the end of the week. Although they would prefer the top two they will also settle for an old fashioned stoning.

What happens in Vegas, can't stay in Vegas

2006-11-20T09:46:00.000-09:00

Jeff: Man work sucks today, we should blow off work and road trip to Vegas.
Josh: Yeah that would be fun, but I have this report I really need to finish.
Jeff: Oh come on Josh! Remember when you used to be clutch? You would have gone in a second. I guess that Josh is dead now… dead like my grandmothers leg.
Josh: That’s it! Were going to Vegas! I’ll show you! And your grandma’s stinky leg!

The following events took place over a 24-hour period.

Getting out of work wasn’t easy, but we managed with the ol “I can’t come into work since I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.” Works every time. After some light packing (beer and beef jerky) Jeff and me took off for Vegas. Its around 3436 miles and seeing how we got there that day I’m guessing we drove around 1500 miles an hour. With our fanny packs filled with our life savings in quarters we took off to the nearest casino. The day went from slot machines to drunken pole dancing in less than 30 minutes. After that got boring we made up a game of “How many chips can you steal from the dealer before you get caught. The answer? Two handfuls. Any more than that and it becomes increasingly hard to dodge the security guards and stun guns.

So now that we were done with that game and in a local jail we had to find our way out. They should really have known better than to keep us in the same cell. We thought up three ideas for breaking out. The first was to use the plastic spoons from our prison peach cobbler to dig our way out, but Jeff threw his at the guard trying to fatally injure him. Our second plan was to feign illness or injury. But Jeff being the perfectionist wouldn’t go along with it unless I was actually hurt, his recommendation was 30 pancreas shots until I passed out. The third was to grow out our fingernails and stab the guard from 5 feet away, and then using them to pick the locks. We ended up having Camronn sneak us in a nail file since none of those plans worked out. Unfortunately Camronn cant bake cakes but made a jello-mold that the nail file could be seen through… plus he ate half the jello on the ride there. Luckily we gave Camronn a back up plan in case that failed, to seduce the guards with sexual favors. A full two and a half minutes later we were free men. Due to legal reasons I’m not allowed to talk about the events that followed and why we are never allowed into Vegas again. They may be the city of sin but would not put up with tomfoolery, ballyhoo, or our occasional shenanigans.

Co-Written By Jeffrey Slone

Wanted: Damn Dirty Apes

2006-11-12T22:10:00.000-09:00

I've been toying alot about the idea of having monkey butlers. The idea first came to me from a Simpson's episode. It was meant to be a joke, but I don't think its entirely impossible. The first step would be to get them when they were young and start your training there. I figure you have a few choices of what kind of monkey butler you could have.

1. The cleaning type
2. The cooking type
3. The fighting type
4. The poo flinging type

Cleaning is practical, cooking is unsanitary, fighting monkeys will result in someone loosing an eye and poo flinging.... well thats just darn funny no matter who you are. I already have the training down which would involve discipline, vigorous tests, and teaching them how to operate an iron. The hard part is finding mini tuxes their size.

Trick or Treat and Die

2006-11-07T14:51:00.000-09:00

One thing I hate more than anything is trick or treaters. Which is why I love when Halloween comes around every year. Every year I find a new way to fend off those devil worshiping heathen children. A simple sign will not do. If it won’t keep them off my grass why would it keep them from knocking on my door? I had to resort to my old tricks I learned in NAM. Haven’t you ever wondered why child related deaths by land minds go up 249% every October? Some people prefer sticking to a simpler way such as poison candy, and hidden razor blades in twix bars. That’s ok, but a bit old school. Try full size bear traps, or tiger pits. That will instill the fear of god in them.

Two heads, not always better than one

2006-11-02T14:20:00.000-09:00

No interesting post today. I wrote a story that was deemed unfit for general viewing. I ran it past a few of the other callused minds I know and the majority found it to be, disturbing, tasteless, or just sad. But it was still funny. But I guess a touchy subject. So, if you think your mind is up to being offended and can take the horrors of my mystery blog entry shoot me an email and maybe I will send it to you. Just a heads up though, the topic is how to kill your Siamese twin. What? I never said I was a nice person. =)

You know how to reach me.

Sour Stomach

2006-11-01T12:29:00.000-09:00

A conversation between my stomach and the first bit of food I have eaten since I was sick.

(Food enters stage left)
Stomach: Oh, hey… I didn’t expect to see you so soon.
Food: Yeah, um Josh was hungry so…
Stomach: Well… the thing is, the place is still quite a mess down here and… yeah. Maybe you could come back later when I have everything in order?
Food: Well I can’t exactly leave… you know I don’t really have a say in the matter, I’m really just supposed to hang out here and digest for a while.
Stomach: Well, I don’t want to sound like a jerk but you kind of showed up with out a warning.
Food: I wouldn’t say that, I mean you were making all those noises earlier and he thought he was hungry.
Stomach: Ok, see the thing is he wasn’t. I think I’m going to have to vomit you up. We are just not ready yet for any solid food, maybe if you were a nice broth soup.
Food: You can’t do that; he spent good money on me.
Stomach: Fine be a jerk then and make me do it the hard way, how about a 30-minute ride down the digestive track coming out in a similar form that you went in as?
Food: That’s just disgusting. Grow up, seriously.
Stomach: (sighs) I’m sorry, I’ve had a rough couple days, and am just being a bit over protective.
Food: What ever, just shut up and digest me.

My flu shot was poisoned

2006-10-30T16:39:00.000-09:00

Thats right, I got the flu shot and spent all day today with the flu. Im not sure if I should blame the goverment, or my lame immune system. On the plus side it was only around 10 hours of misery. Started at 4:00am and im just now feeling able to drink and possibly eat. Saltine crackers, is there anything you cant do?

Old unused and often abused

2006-10-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

I look forward to the time that I will be put into a retirement home. I will have lived a long life and I don’t think I shouldn't be expected to do things myself such as eating or going to the bathroom. I think I deserve to be fed and changed when I so desire. And just thinking of all the fun I could have makes my heart skip a beat! Which it will do by then also, but its ok, I’ll have a defibrillator near by.

One thing I can’t wait for is telling stories to children. They will of course all be lies of my time in World War II when I beat Hitler in an arm wrestling contest saving the earth from a fate worse than death. What’s worse than death they ask? Living under the regime of Hitler’s monkey death squad is what. I also plan on having a collection of canes. Not for walking because of my hips being blown to hell, but as weapons. I have seen the canes today with swords hidden in them and hope that by the time I am old they will have progressed to fully automatic machine guns. With a cane like that, every night could be bingo night…..

If wit were spit Cody would be very salivacious

2006-10-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

Joshua says: you hear about the plane crash in anther New York building?
Coco says: no
Coco says: Serious?
Joshua says: it was a small plane
Joshua says: killed around 4 so far
Coco says: terrorists?
Joshua says: nope
Joshua says: guess who it was
Joshua says: a yankees pitcher
Coco says: haha
Joshua says: weird yo
Joshua says: I think he took off with out permission from the flight deck also
Coco says: Is Bush going to start a war with the yankees now?

The day Lunch almost killed me

2006-10-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

This was the most exciting lunch ever... first off I got a company email saying that they were selling hot dogs, chips and a drink for 5 dollars, and they were having a silent auction for some cool stuff. So I drove over there with Jeff to the main office at the Denali towers. We got on the elevator and for some reason I decided it would be funny to jump up and down to freak out Jeff. Well it didn't and he started jumping also. We happened to jump and land at the same time and the elevator stopped. He told me he never would have fantasized that the one time he would get stuck in an elevator it would be with me rather than some chick... too bad for him.

So we were stuck around the 5th floor. We called for help on the emergency phone after waiting 5 minutes. The lady talking to us was choppy sounding and after a while hung up... I was making jokes and we were laughing hysterically so she probably thought we were screwing around. So we waited like 10 more minutes and then called again. A guy answered the phone this time and told us how to open the doors to see if we were near a floor to escape to. As we were opening the doors a guy from inside the building was yelling at us to stop and leave it alone. And that a tech was coming in about 20 more minutes to figure out what’s wrong... we are on our 30 minute lunch keep in mind, so we are going to be late back to work if we listen to this numb skull. So we listened to the guy on the phone and pried open the door and then slid the other part open. We were not completely at the top floor so we had to climb up like 2-3 feet to get out. The people outside were shocked as we got off the elevator climbing our way out.

So that was fun, and probably enough excitement to last me the day but oh no there was more! When we got there at the silent auction there was 6 tickets to the playboy mansion for lunch and tour! No one was bidding on it so the ladies running the auction were trying to get us to place a bid ourselves. It had an $1800 value for around $400. One guy who worked there with 2 lip rings was begging us to split it with him. So we got stuck in an elevator and passed up a chance to go to the playboy mansion. What else could happen to make this lunch more interesting?

Well, on our way back to work (we were late already) I was driving a bit fast in the left fast lane on the highway and someone got onto the high way from the ramp and jetted over 2 lanes without looking!!! I was going about 80mph and it was raining so the road was wet, and they were literally feet in front of me. I slammed on my breaks and started to fish tail trying not to hit the person in front of me who cut me off, or the person to my right who was boxing me in, or going into the ditch on my left. It was completely the person’s fault that got on the highway cutting of 2 people with out looking. So after my skillful fish tailing skills (it was pretty cool) we decided to catch up to the person who almost killed us and I was going to smile and wave to be funny. But they noticed and sped up so I wouldn't catch them, but I did =) and here's the funny part... it was a sister from our hall! She was mouthing, "I'm so sorry" and then we recognized each other and her jaw dropped and we kept laughing and she kept saying I'm so sorry while waving. That was one of the most eventful lunches while I worked at GCI. We hoped maybe the next day it could be topped but the only thing that happened that day was the person sitting next to my desk had gas all day. And that didn’t make for a real interesting story.

Sierra Goes Fishing

2006-10-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

Josh says: you had hip waders?

Sierra says: no..boots

Josh says: looks like you were in deep though

Sierra says: i was

Sierra says: they went up to my butt

Josh says: then you used hip waders

Sierra says: no

Josh says: uhhhh yeah

Sierra says: they went up to my thigh

Josh says: hahaha thats what they are called!

Sierra says: no

Josh says: the other ones are chest waders

Sierra says: oh

Sierra says: ok

Sierra says: haha

Josh says: DUH!

Fires for Friends

2006-10-17T13:13:00.000-08:00

The bon fire on Sunday was a success despite Jeff almost burning off his eyebrows. Around 35 people showed up and about half of them I didn’t know. Which is fine aside from the weirdo or two lingering around. :) I am already planning on how to improve the next one, like more food, music, water or a shovel to put the fire out, and less pervs.

Stories That Never Happened 4

2006-10-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

My first date was with a man:

My company was having a fundraiser for a local charity and they wanted to do it in the form of a bachelor auction. I am not saying I am anything special, but I am one of the few young single guys in my office. The rest have faced the ravages of age or marriage. I at first said no, but they were so persistent and when they showed me pictures of the maimed orphans how could I say no? So I agreed. I figured I would just end up eating lunch with one of the nice women I work with that are my mother's age. No harm there really, right? They just said, dress nice and bring your smile.

I went and rented a nice tux, got a hair cut, and even shaved. I was looking pretty good I thought. Well when I arrived I realized that my idea of dressing up was different than the rest of my co-workers who were wearing, for the most part, polo shirts with the exception of Frank who wore his crazy Hawaiian shirt. I'm pretty sure he doesn't own a shirt that he couldn't wear on a beach. But that's ok, I was sure I would just get a higher bid than anyone else here. Jeff came backstage to see how I was doing and got a good laugh at the sight of me in a tux amongst the rest of our work mates. After wishing me good luck I saw that mischievous look in his eye as he rushed off to take care of something. That something would be him talking to the host into changing my introduction to add in a few "details" I may have forgot to mention.

So, I was up. They did the usual introduction; name, height, job, and then something different that no one else got. The announcer said, "You could be his first, as Joshua has never been with a woman before." I didn't even have to look for Jeff since I could hear his laugh a mile away. So after a few of the older ladies threw some bids out along with a seductive glance or two, something came up that shocked me. Vince, one of our company's top executives, raised his hand and bid $500 dollars. The bidding was only at $150 too. Everyone shot him a look, and then me, and then him again, and came to a realization of the announcer's comment. They now all thought I was gay. After a few other bids from the desperate skanky receptionist (she's like 90 years old) Vince won me at $510.15. He shot me a wink and cut a check. I don't know what's more sad, that I dated a man, or that I have dated more men than women at this point.

We don't need no water.

2006-10-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

Not sure who reads this on a regular basis (HI MOM!) but just throwing out there to anyone who hasn't heard that we are having a bonfire after the special day assembly on Sunday. It will probably be out at Knik. There is a decent sized group going now but come if you havn't been invited! I can take maybe a few people with me to car pool if you need a ride...depending on who you are..... :)

my cell is ***-**** DELETED!

Talk to me at assembly for the time and more detailed instructions.

Pushbroom's are not for me

2006-10-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

Every time I get a haircut and wake up the next morning I look in the mirror and notice something is different and usually come to the conclusion that I shaved my mustache. Which is kind of weird since I have never had a mustache. And I don’t want one. I would probably giggle all day long because “it tickles my nose” not to mention all the embarrassing foods that would be caught in it. Also I would probably get hairs in my mouth and complain at restaurants a lot thinking it was the chefs’ hair. Then I would be know to people as, that jerk with the mustache at table 12…. I don’t want to be that guy. I would rather die.

Don't wish upon Stars, Wish upon ME

2006-10-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

My goal in life right now is to make you happy. Yeah that’s right. You. Ask anything of me and its yours. Screw the “Make a wish foundation” they just let you make wish’s. You can already do that with out them. They are filthy disgusting human beings who take your money and give one out of a million sick people a wish come true. Unless it’s to meet Joe Montana, he hates sick children more than anything. So, here is your chance. I’m a freaking Jeannie in a bottle with out the required rubbing. But if you feel so inclined I will accept hugs, handshakes, or a condescending pat on the head. But you have to act fast! This offer expires soon, which is when my happiness fades into some depression, boredom, anxiety, or gassy state.

Stories that Never Happened 3

2006-10-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

The following is based from a true story and then blown out of proportion.

I have been planning to have a bonfire with some friends and wanted to make sure I had everything needed for it. Which is mainly just wood. I saw an ad on http://www.craigslist.org/ that had free firewood with vague directions. After not being able to find it, my brother and I decided to drive by businesses looking for old pallets they were tossing out. We had found two so far and were feeling optimistic. Near Old Seward there were a few businesses on dark side-roads. Driving along I saw a dark figure ahead of me so I slowed down a bit so I wouldn't hit him. Then we noticed he was waving his arms frantically trying to get us to stop. We pulled up to see if everything was OK, but as soon as I rolled down the window on Cody's side he reached in and started to pull him out! My first thought was to gun it, but he had a pretty good hold on my brother and I was afraid he would pull him out if I drove off. Cody was punching at him wildly but it had little effect on him. I grabbed the mace I keep in the truck and jumped out and ran to the other side. I grabbed the guy by the back of his hair and maced him good in the face. The only problem was, since we were all in such close proximity to each other, it got on Cody and me as well. Cody was coughing and tearing up pretty bad, as was the attacker. Luckily I have grown an immunity to it from regular macings from the ladies. I took advantage of the moment and gave the man a quick jab to his pancreas. Cody had regained his sight since he didn't get as much as the perpetrator did. What we did next may be considered self defense, or just spiteful.
But lets just say we may have made a new world record of the quickest beating of a man to death with wooden pallets.

I am not the Tortoise

2006-10-10T15:46:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany today. Nice guys do not finish last. They don’t even finish at all. They find their contorted corpses on the side of the road with a bullet in their heads from giving up. They are too nice to finish so they just give up to let someone else be the winner. I better start running faster. I’m tired of loosing this race. :)

Ten ways to make Jeff’s wedding better

2006-10-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

Jeff’s wedding Top Ten List

10. Have a specialized team of guys who will just “High Five” & “Pound it” during the reception
9. Bellbottoms on the grooms side
8. Jeff has to prove himself by going through a deadly obstacle course to get to Sarah
7. Every time the speaker says “turn in your bible…” you take a shot
6. You could marry either Sarah or what was behind door number two
5. Bump Dathon as the speaker and have a random drunk guy give them away
4. Replace Sarah with a live cougar and see if Jeff notices
3. Jeff and Sarah play rock, paper, scissors to see whose last name they will take
2. Jeff’s vows are in Klingon
1. If everybody was kung fu fighting, despite it being a little bit frightening

Mullet Madness

2006-10-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

At GCI you are given a computer to use. I was given someone else's...

Josh: question, when that guy gets back, do I have to give back his stuff
Josh: like computer and monitor
Jeff: I dunno.
Josh: haha is he going to throw a hissy fit?
Jeff: he has a mullet, so probably.
Josh: ohhh
Josh: man I'm going to get into a fight
Josh: guys with mullets like to fight
Jeff: it's true, but I think you have an edge
Jeff: hair pulling.

Stories that Never Happened Chapter 2

2006-10-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

I’m just going to say it. I wrestled an old woman for the last Pringles Pizza-licious potato chips. You might ask why, but lets begin with the rotten attitude of the old woman. You could say this went back to the time when she cut me off in the produce section, but I was willing to let that go, I don’t live in the past. I had reached for the last pizza-licious Pringles and had a firm grip on them when hers came in at lightning fast geezer speed. Now there are two things you need to know about me. I don’t take well when someone messes with my snacks, and I’m a biter. I held back the automatic urge to bite her and politely said. “Ma’am, I do believe I had these first.” With no warning at all she swung her cane and struck me in the leg hitting my tobial nerve behind my knee dropping me to the floor like a sack of potato’s (note to self, you are out of potatoes) She knows what she is doing. She turned thinking she had won this but oh no, this was far from over. I waited for her to walk away confident she had won, but once she approached the middle display of Campbell soup cans I body checked her right into it. A normal old lady would have died from such a blow, or at least blown out her hip, but not her. She got up and gave me a roundhouse kick that Chuck Norris would have been proud of. I did then what I do best, I bolted to her cart grabbed my Pringles and ran for my dear sweet life. She leapt about ten feet and tackled me around the waist. She would have pinned me if I hadn’t of pulled the ol' “Look out the grim reaper is behind you!” trick. I barely escaped with my life. And the old lady… well she is dead now. When she wasn’t looking I switched her heart pills with altoids.

Don't Forget Your Corpse

2006-10-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

Time to collect permanent funds! For some reason in my dream in order to collect yours you had to bring along a corpse to trade for it. It sounds disgusting but it was actually quite hilarious. There was this one girl who was in her mid twenties who had to sling the dead guy over her shoulders like she was giving him a piggy back ride. But he had rigor mortise in his arms and legs and was hard to carry around. She finally got him on the trolley (we were in San Francisco) and no one cared there was a dead body on there with them. I’m not sure who’s more of a freak, the people in San Francisco or me for dreaming it. That’s a rhetorical question don’t answer it.

Stories that never happened

2006-10-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

I like to keep food near my desk for when I’m hungry and need a quick energy boost. I keep it healthy with things such as bananas, apples, maybe an orange or two. One day when coming into work I noticed that there was a note near my bananas saying “IOU one banana” and one was missing. This really upset me since he had no right to take it and to tell me he would get me another one at his own leisure. And these were organic bananas. If the janitors’ manners were any sign of his eating habits and personal character then I would assume he would replace my delicious organic banana with a regular one.

I would not take this sitting down. Well actually I was already sitting, but that’s beside the point. I left a note for him back stating “IOU one antidote”. But that was a lie… I never gave him the antidote and he died a horrible excruciating death.

MSN Logs

2006-10-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

Expect many hilarious conversation bits between me and Jeff. No one will ever see the best of them though since they are too crude and hilarious for mere mortals to veiw and live to speak of.

Jeff: hey Josh
Jeff: would you rather work 3 days of unpaid overtime, or get kicked in the balls?
Josh: hmmm
Josh: how hard?
Jeff: HARD
Jeff: no permanent damage, though
Josh: I don't know... it's been quite some time since I've felt that pain
Jeff: "I don't know" is an unacceptable answer.
Josh: hahahah
Jeff: if you say that, you get both.
Josh: well I don't think I could afford not getting paid....

Josh: so the balls I guess

Biblical Warriors Are Awesome

2006-10-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

A little essay I wrote since I was bored. It's corny I know but what do I care, you still read it.

Not many people would disagree with the subject line above, mostly in fear of smiting. But there is much truth in the very awesome title of this essay. If today there was an over weight wealthy man in front of me in a 7-11 buying multiple breakfast burritos who was nothing but rude, I would be arrested if I stabbed him to death in the bathroom. Even if I were a judge. E’hud not only did that, but did that with style.

And wrap your mind around this. Joshua prayed to Jehovah to have the sun stand still for a whole day until the nation could take vengeance on its enemies. If Joshua hadn’t killed them by then, then I am sure the harmful rays from the sun would have in the form of skin cancer in 10-20 years down the road.

Then there is the classic story known by all of David and Goliath. An unarmed man killing a Giant and cutting off his head. I attempted this once in high school with a local bully but for lesser reasons than him insulting my God.. He stole my lunch a few times. He wasn’t eleven feet tall, and didn’t wear a suit of armor, but he was close. I even spent a lot of time finding a very smooth stone. If I were going to do it, I would do it right. To make a long story short, cutting off heads isn’t as easy as the bible made it sound.

And one of my favorite child hood heroes from the bible, Samson. Wicked cool hair and he was like Superman, except his kryptonite was women… but he beat to death 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey and didn’t wear his underwear on the outside of his clothing.

David Letterman should work for me

2006-10-03T12:22:00.000-08:00

For those of you who saw my talk, or just heard about it may be wondering, why would Josh pause for 5-10 seconds then start reading again? It felt like an eternity, so to make light of the situation, and avoid eye contact during the rest of the meeting, I made a top 10 list of why did I had that awkward Pause.

10. For dramatic effect.
9. Sometimes I stop and just like to think of pie.
8. I had a war flash back.
7. I was mentally contacted by the Klingon's with an important intergalactic message.
6. I was trying to un wedge a wedgie without my hands.
5. I felt prying eyes staring at my bottom.
4. I was mentally contacted by Jeff with an important intergalactic message.
3. I saw a dog with a puffy tail.
2. I felt a disturbance in the force
1. I was waiting for the fire works and light show to start with my cue, "on the one hand.."

Thank you for understanding.
Josh

Legomania

2006-10-02T16:23:00.000-08:00

Prepare yourself, you are about to see the coolest thing children's legos can make. There is rumored only one thing is cooler, a Lego tank.... But there is no photographic evidence of such a thing existing. :)

Afternoon Delight

2006-10-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

A recipe I made a while ago for kicking some tail.

The Ultimate Can of Ass Whooping

From: Joshua Swanson
Your Guide to Ass Whooping

INGREDIENTS:
1 Can of Whoop Ass
Can opener
Wicked strong guns
3 tbsp canola oil

PREPARATION:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Grease guns for faster punching action. Get can opener, turn clockwise on can, let ass whopping commence.

Jealous of my Inner Child

2006-10-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the dream that I was showing people an old game I used to enjoy playing as a child. It was where me and my brother and sister would tease a herd of mountain goats until they would all charge us, and chase us down the highway. It was always scary for me though since I had the distinct memory of being the slowest of the bunch and always almost dying. Now more confident, being older and having longer legs that wouldn’t lead me to a goat trampled death I look forward to it. The trick is when they get close and you are about to be overrun you find some high ground to climb up on. My dad and me found a nice rock cliff in someone’s kitchen along the highway and went up there. I am a little sad that I didn’t actually ever run from mountain goats as a kid, but came to realize something when I woke. Don’t eat Whoppers from burger king that late again.

Mammal Hater Josh

2006-10-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

A year ago or so I was taking mad notes at the convention. When the WT study started I didn't feel compelled to take notes for that since I had the magazine already. So instead I wrote a little story that nearly made Jim pee his pants. Granted thats not hard to do, I still found it worthy to post here. Enjoy.

They say the first sentence of a book or the first paragraph is the most crucial part to grab someones attention. This will be my paragraph for a book I never plan to write.

It was a cold autumn day in July and I was buried in a foxhole taking heavy fire from the newly formed chimpanzee Nazi regime. The military has been pinching pennies so my only weapons are a sharpened chicken bone, a canteen full of scotch and my wits. And to be honest the chicken bone is a bit sharper at the moment.

The firing has stopped. They are either reloading or flinging poo at one another. Those crafty mammals. Brace yourself my mighty chicken bone for today I will bury you into the skulls of my monkey enemies. And you will feast on their under developed brains.